Deep-dish Eucharist wafers
Oprah added to Sistine Chapel ceiling
Sunday mass followed by improv set
Brian Urlacher’s hair growth declared a miracle
Sacramental wine replaced with Malört
“Our Father” to be pronounced with hilarious Chicago accent
College of Cardinals renamed “The Wieners Circle”
Baptismal font dyed green on St. Patrick’s Day
Raphael’s The School of Athens exchanged for the Chicago Bean
St. Peter’s Basilica renamed “Willis Basilica”
Fisherman’s Ring traded for 1985 Bears Super Bowl ring
Carl Sandburg resurrected to write inspirational poem about Vatican City
Divorce now allowed if spouse puts ketchup on hot dog
Chorus from Chicago’s “Saturday in the Park” added to Bach’s Mass in B Minor
Green Bay excommunicated
Cardinals now booed
Air Jordans instead of papal slippers
If pope digs out the popemobile, he can put the Chair of St. Peter there until he returns