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Articles by
Patrick Coyne
Patrick Coyne is a comedy writer from Philadelphia. His work has been featured in The New Yorker, Reductress, and The Hard Times, among others.
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May 2, 2025I Just Turned Forty, and Steely Dan’s Entire Discography Mysteriously Appeared on My Phone
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April 14, 2025As Surgeon General, I Will Replace the Outdated, Inaccurate Body Mass Index with a Group of Catty, Mean-Spirited Middle Schoolers
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March 12, 2025I’m Chunk’s Mother, and No, He Did Not Consult Me Before Telling Sloth He Could Live with Us
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February 19, 2025I Gave a Thousand Typewriters to a Thousand Monkeys, but Instead of Hamlet, They Just Keep Writing Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar
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October 18, 2024What Your Twelve-Foot Home Depot Skeleton Says About Your Recent Divorce
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July 31, 2024Lesser-Known Goals
of Project 2025 -
June 27, 2024Pavement Lyrics or Trump Cognitive Glitch?
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June 14, 2024Trolley Problem Variations for Dads
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April 17, 2024The Boys Are Back in Town (for Johnny’s Funeral)
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December 11, 2023Everything a Barber Could Do During a Haircut Before I Speak Up
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October 25, 2023A Letter to the Parents that Gave My Son Charlie a Bunch of Rocks for Halloween
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August 31, 2023Welcome to Your Benevolent King’s Bottomless Pit
Trending 🔥
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April 25, 2025This Five-Hundred-Word Bumper Sticker on My Tesla Explains Why I’m Not a Bad Person
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May 5, 2025Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes
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April 21, 2025Getting Ahead of It: JD Vance Almost Definitely Didn’t Kill the Pope
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April 23, 2025I Love You More Than Anything, but I Would Rather Die Than Talk to You on the Phone
Recently
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May 6, 2025My PR Degree Did Not Prepare Me to Run the Vatican’s Social Media. How Do I Launch the New Pope?
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May 6, 2025Introducing Our University’s New, Totally Reasonable Criteria for Promotion and Tenure
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May 6, 2025Phew, for a Minute There, I Thought the Arts Were Going to Get Too Much Funding
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May 5, 2025A Typical Episode of Sesame Street as Imagined by Conservatives