ILLUSTORIA MAGAZINE
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Articles by
Patrick Coyne
Patrick Coyne is a comedy writer from Philadelphia. His work has been featured in The New Yorker, Reductress, and The Hard Times, among others.
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July 20, 2023My Political Career Should Not Be Defined by the One Time I Got My Dick Stuck in a CVS Blood Pressure Machine
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May 2, 2023One of Us Always Tells the Truth, the Other Always Lies. Also, Contrary to What You May Have Heard My Penis Is Not Small
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April 13, 2023TikTok’s Old Age Filter Shows My Wife and Some Other Guy Standing on My Grave
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February 13, 2023Candy Heart Messages After Elon Musk Buys Sweethearts for $44 Billion
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June 29, 2022First Drafts of Classic Movie Quotes
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March 22, 2022First Drafts of the Greatest Opening Sentences in Literature
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January 19, 2022Increasingly Convoluted Rules for Ordering a Philly Cheesesteak Like a Local
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July 12, 2017CÜCK – The New Furniture Assembly Service From IKEA
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March 20, 2017Not to Brag, But I’m Totally Intellectual Enough to Be Brutally Murdered by Fascists
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April 25, 2025This Five-Hundred-Word Bumper Sticker on My Tesla Explains Why I’m Not a Bad Person
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May 8, 2025An Open Letter to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Who Thinks My Daughter Is a Tragedy
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May 6, 2025Introducing Our University’s New, Totally Reasonable Criteria for Promotion and Tenure
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May 5, 2025Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes